I'm not always sure I believe in signs but lately it feels like there have been a few come my way.  I had an IM last week from someone I haven't talked to in a little while.  We had chatted for a bit in the beginning of the year and she was probably the first person I had a real interest in after my ex.  I didn't want to but she wore me down with her personality and humor.  Unfortunately, when I did feel comfortable in pursuing something, she decided she wanted to date one of her friends.  It hit a bad chord within me and I chose not to have her in my life at all.  Every once in a while she sends me an IM to check and see if she can say hi to me.  I don't remember what I have responded in the past though I'm guessing it was brief but this time I said it was ok for her to say hi.  Then I wasn't on much last week and we never touched base.  I got to thinking about it the other day, how she didn't have to keep trying, and who was I to decide I had so many friends that I wasn't going to accept her friendship, in whatever form it took.  I tried emailing her but it bounced back to me that the account was not active.  I was surprised so I tried sending an IM as well but haven't heard anything.  I don't have any other way of contacting her and it's my own damn fault since I was never receptive to her attempts previously.  But I took it as a sign that I need to let go of the past and move forward.  I'm terrible about holding on to negative feelings when I feel I have been wronged or caused to hurt.  I guess it was my attempt to change that by acknowledging her efforts and let her know I was ready to forget about what happened and move forward.

The other sign was a little more poignant for me.  I discovered my ex had removed himself as a friend on my MySpace page.  I have to admit that one hit me like a ton of bricks.  While we do not talk and that was my choice when I first moved back here, I didn't think he would remove himself from my life completely.  It really was the only link I had to him and how his life was going, as miniscule as it was.  I have been sending him checks to pay off what I owed him and he would usually respond with an email, letting me know he received them.  I mailed the last check this month and expected to hear from him but I have not nor has the check been deposited.  I'm really not sure how to handle that right now.  I know I had considered removing him from my page because we never did talk and it was just me hanging on to the past.  I guess it feels different when someone else makes the decision for you.  I did see it as a sign that it is time to let go of the past and move on.  Of course, that's always easier said than done.  There are still days where I wonder what happened to the love we once shared, maybe I always will, just like I think about how it affected him or if it did at all.  I wonder if he was hurt by my decision to not have any communication.  At the time I did what I felt was best for me and to allow me to heal, and I didn't think I could do that with him in my life.  Now, though, we have nothing between us but distant memories and that is a bitter pill to swallow.  I would have never thought it would go like this.  I do think about him and I care about him; I will always hold a place for him in my heart and wish the best for him.  I know it has been time to let go for a while and I feel like I have tried to do that but what I don't know is how you know you are ready to move forward.