Sure I could clean up, too, and would for special occasions, choosing to dress like my femme sisters and present myself as much like a woman as I could manage.  Having given up makeup years ago and being completely inept with hair styling, it was often a struggle to make myself feel like I was a female.  I found the less I felt like a woman, the less I felt beautiful.  Why would a butch want a tomboy when they could have a gorgeous femme?  I don’t think I realized then that so much of it has to do with attitude and how you carry yourself, and a lot less to do with clothing than I originally thought.  I used to balance out my tomboy side with a love for all things pink and being called a princess.

I think I have grown a lot in the last year, and one of the things that I have become more comfortable in is the idea of being a woman, and embracing more of my feminine side.  For a while I had the luxury of being able to afford to get my nails done and enjoyed how it made me feel to be pampered and how it made me feel pretty.  My ex would buy me clothes that accented the good things about my body and always made me feel sexy.  I cared more about my appearance and made an effort, even if I was only running to the store.  It’s not that I put a lot of stock in outward appearance but I think it goes a long way in shaping your internal perspective. 

Of course, I always dated butches, so I was the femme in the relationship by default (and choice).  There are times, though, even now that I see myself thinking along the lines of a more masculine perspective; I just don’t always get where the femmes are coming from.  But more often than not, I see things through femme eyes, whether I realize it or not.  I’m a firm believer that no one is all of one thing or another, and I recognize I am a mixture of all things feminine and masculine.  I like the idea of having a butch in my life to look out for me and treat me as if I am precious to them.  I am still independent in thought and action; just because I am femme does not mean I would be submissive to them.  When in a relationship, I do tend to take on some of the traditionally feminine roles, as that is where I am most comfortable, but I strongly believe it should be a partnership, where both need to be willing to participate in the relationship and share responsibilities.

Since I have come on to this site, I have bonded more with femmes than I ever have, even in real time.  I look upon the faces and see some similarities, more than I expected.  I used to avoid overly girlie conversations with others as if I would have nothing to contribute.  Now, I find I am discussing virtual tea parties and loving it!  I’ve found some wonderful femmes with whom I can share my thoughts and feelings, and I truly cherish the time I spend with them.  It has been nice to have women around me that understand what it means to be a lesbian and a woman.