Looking behind me, I see the aftermath, the carnage I have left behind once again.  When will I learn these lessons of the heart that cause me such pain?  Last week was a nightmare for me - mentally and emotionally draining from me the little life I had left.  What started out on such a high came crashing down as it always does, and I often feel powerless to stop it.

L and I had developed such a strong bond in a short time, it was like we couldn't get enough of each other.  As I've told hym before, we could talk about everything or nothing and still treasure it the same.  I have spent that amount of time with anyone in a long time and it felt good, even though I know my head questioned where my heart was going with this one.  I know myself well enough to know that the more time I spend with someone whom I feel a connection, the more attached I am going to get, and feelings always come in to play.  I am not one to reveal my feelings for others when I do not feel it is appropriate, and I NEVER feel it is the right thing to do when the two of you are friends.  Nothing upsets the balance more than when one person has feelings for the other.  Despite my better judgement, I did let some of my thoughts known but I did not feel hy said much other than to reiterate hys mantra about us just being friends, and it certainly wasn't something I wanted to discuss as I felt no good could come of it.

A little more than a week ago I received a PM from J out of the blue and wasn't really sure what to expect.  I guess going in without expectations helped in that I couldn't necessarily be disappointed.  I knew nothing of hym and did some checking around as I like to have as much info as I can, and not everything I heard was that positive but decided I wanted to form my own opinion.  We talked a bit online and then spent alot of time on the phone together.  I found hym to be sweet, funny, smart, caring, gentle, and open and honest.  I felt we quickly developed a strong connection and found I would look forward to hys phone calls or little emails hy would leave me to get in the morning.  Again, though, I have to ask where was my head in all of this?  If I feel a connection, I am going to get attached, and I already started having some feelings for hym, and I have to be honest, I did think hy felt the same way.

Around the same time, someone else I had talked to a bit offline had posted a cupid note for me, and it occurred to me that hy and I should talk, because although I cared about hym, I didn't have those types of feelings for hym, and I knew I needed to be honest about that.  While trying to get a hold of C, I ended up talking to the other two and feeling really bad about the whole thing, including what I thought I might be doing to the two of them.  I'm not one to lead people on and I definitely am not a player.  Thinking I could be either of those things does not make me feel very good about myself.  I would have never predicted that I would get to know 2 people and actually start having feelings for them.  I felt I needed to be honest with both about where my head and heart was at.  Truthfully I didn't want to stop spending time with both of them but knew it would be difficult to juggle the time and, more importantly, my emotions.  L was clear about hys feelings for me and the fact that hy would not share me, so I knew if I continued to talk to J, I was essentially choosing to not pursue things with hym.  It was hard having to look at things like that, feeling I must somehow choose where my heart would go when I had no idea where these conversations would lead.  But I wasn't willing to stop talking to J, at the risk of my relationship with L being changed forever.  Still, it was an awful night and set the tone for the rest of the week.  I did speak with C and while hy appreciated my openness, I could tell I had hurt hym, and that was the last thing I wanted to do.  My conversation with L wasn't much better and I knew we needed to take some time apart. 

At the time I felt things with J were ok; we continued talking here and there but it was less frequent, there were no emails waiting for me, and no responses to my emails either.  Of course, this sent up some warning signs to me because hy didn't seem as interested, and almost a little distracted.  I was beginning to wonder if maybe hy didn't feel the same way but we never found a time to actually talk.  *sigh*  Then hy had a family tragedy and all of hys attention was focused there, rightfully so.  When we did finally talk hy was exhausted and I was filled with unanswered questions.  The talk didn't go well and subsequent emails indicated hy felt we should go our own way.  To say I was disappointed was an understatement.  Hy wants to concentrate on hys family and I think that is what hy should do right now but I can't help but think maybe hy wasn't really that interested or I've pushed hym away, like I seem to do with so many others.  I really liked hym, I'm not afraid to admit that, and I am terribly sad that we won't be sharing the hours together like we had and getting to know one another. 

All I can do at this point is try and figure out what lessons I can learn from all of this, and I am always left with the same unanswered questions.  I crawled in to my hole because I don't know where else to go when I hurt; I don't know how else to protect myself and my heart.  I feel like I should spend alot less time on the site, because clearly I am not a good judge of how others feel nor can I read things all that well.  If I avoid getting to know anyone new, then I can't make the same mistakes, until a time at which I feel I can open up myself freely because honestly, I feel like I get burned more times than I don't.  I know a lot of people asked about me and wondered where I was, and all of that is sweet but I have to remember the virtual world is very different than reality, and I have difficulty discerning the differences and knowing who is sincere and who I can trust.  I think for now I need to have a balance between the amount of time I spend online and the rest of my life.  I'm trying to focus on me - scheduled some doctor appointments and have others in the works.  I need to write more to get it all out of my heart so it won't clutter my head.  I felt like I had negatively impacted peoples' lives last week and I am not proud of that fact.  I will be careful how I do things in the future as I do not want to look in the rearview mirror and feel like I can't hold my head up high.

A few thoughts on this if I may:

1. It is always better to try than not. You'll never know what you'll find if you do not search for it.

2. You may actually be good but others may be better at hiding their true goals. It sounds like both were interested in the proverbial U-Haul and pushing that far faster than you are ready for. You have no reason to feel at fault for that.

3. Sometimes you have to let others know how you feel -- even if it is negative. If all that you presented was smiles then you are not being true to who you are and what you are going through. Additionally, others may be able to offer ideas and help to get through this. Society spends too much time on people being happy-happy all the time. You have the right to feel sad, angry and whatever else about what happened or happens.

If J's family event was a major death, then they may not feel comfortable with dealing with other items just yet. I'd say give some room but ping hym now and again to let hym know you're thinking of hym and hy's family. Don't necessarily push but just be there if hy needs an ear. That can be the most powerful thing a person needs.

It may be worthwhile to look after yourself for a while and not necessarily look. But don't cut yourself off from the world. Maybe a paper journal (where you can be creative and such) would be a good thing as well. (simply an idea) What about going for a walk instead of being online (exercise is a great way to get out frustrations, depression and allows you to think)? Sorry, am trying to think of ideas that might help that won't cost lots. That said, don't be afraid to allow yourself to have sad and hurt thoughts but remember that it works both ways. They also hurt you and that isn't right either. You were honest about how you feel and if they choose to take their friendship from you, shame on them. They weren't honest to you, IMO.

BTW, how's family and the furr kids?

Of course you may - I value your input. Knowing all of the parties, no one was ready for the U-Haul, including myself, so I definitely didn't feel pressure there. I agree with letting my true feelings show, positive or "negative" emotions, as it is what I am experiencing at that moment. I know that not everyone agrees with that but I'm not willing to change it. Yeah, I've kinda done the space thing with J though I have checked on hym but I'm trying also to not hold out any false hope either. I think I should look after myself and have begun doing this but never sure how to not look. LOL Is it just human nature? I mean, I think I am going to be cautious about starting anything outside of the threads at this point until I feel I can read people better, if that really is a trait one can "learn". The family is fine - growing like weeds - and Baby is doing well, thank you for asking. I hope you and yours are enjoying health and happiness as well (may Mittens rest in peace). Thanks again, Linus. :)

Well, I didn't mean it like move in but more like desire to be coupled and if you're (in the general sense) not interested in coupling then we're (again, general sense) not interested in you. Ya know? There are some that are so focused on finding someone (not referring to you but perhaps those that disappeared after you were honest with them) that they forget about the important need to be friends first and foremost.

And you shouldn't have to change unless you decide you want to. The key to not looking is to be busy -- away from the computer. Get into a local club, art class, Boys and Girls club, volunteer, something, anything that will keep you away from the computer.

As to the threads, it can be something that's learned but the true trick is how many are honest as to who they are and what they present. Perhaps the best option is to only date those that can meet in person regularly (e.g., in your area/city) and avoid the LDRs/Online only options for now.

I truly do believe that there is a right "boi" out there for you. Just need to find hym. ;)