Someone told me this week that I need to let my ex go and just get over it as she put it.  This observation came after I said I had noticed his MySpace emotion guage indicated he was contemplative and distressed.  I was worried maybe something was wrong or not going well for him.  She felt I didn't need to think about it or care apparently. 

I guess I don't work like that - the relationship is over but it doesn't mean I've stopped caring or loving him.  Would it be easier for my heart if I didn't think about him or still love him?  Yes but that's not possible.  I don't think I'll stop thinking about him for a long time, and there will always be a part of my heart that belongs to him.  We were in love, he said he wanted to marry me, we were looking toward a future together; that's not something I can just forget about or let go.  I know he has and it breaks my heart. 

His new MySpace emotion indicates he is looking towards the future optimistically and it hurts me that I am not in that future and he is ok with that.  No, he's better than ok with it, and I feel once again that our love meant nothing to him or it was never really there.  I've tried so many times to delete him from my list of MySpace friends but I can't bring myself to do it.  It's the only link I have to him anymore and I can't let it go, even though it would probably be the best thing for me.  Soon I will have paid off the remaining money I owe him and that will truly be the last tie I have with him.  Then what?

I've been meaning to comment but have been forgetting. A few thoughts as someone else who has been "Door #2" (or 3 or whatever) ;)

1. Because someone isn't interested in you doesn't make you less than the amazing person you are. It is, honestly, their loss. To shut a person out of your life means you lose on what that person brings into your life and the changes that can happen. Sometimes things aren't meant to be for whatever reason but the existence of what happened is there to remind us of what shouldn't be. It also acts as the mirror of what we really want and should get, and not just settle for. I would imagine you would want someone who loves you for you and not what they imagine you to be. I'd also imagine you'd want a relationship built on love (both ways) and respect, not just the dreams and loves of one, no?

2. Perhaps this should be an opportunity to focus on yourself. If finances are tight, why not see if there is a general support group at a local LGBTQ center or something? Check online for depression support groups. Check the library for resources (do you still have those books I gave you, including that work book? if you do, why not take the time to go through those now?) Be selfish and focus on you. If he has no time for you to even say hi or whatever, well.. his loss.

And, Renee, I say this as someone who has learned that sometimes things happen in the order for whatever reason. No hate, maliciousness or anything on my part. We weren't meant to be anything more than friends and I'd rather have a dear friend than a hateful lover. :) Keep looking after yourself; it's one of the most important people on the planet.

Oh.. and btw, spirituality doesn't have to include religion. As you may have read (if are still reading my blog) I don't view buddhism in a religious light but rather philosophical light and spiritual, non-religious light. Perhaps the challenge for you is to find something that enlightens your "soul" or spirit. It doesn't hav

eepp.. got cut off.. the last section was:

Oh.. and btw, spirituality doesn't have to include religion. As you may have read (if are still reading my blog) I don't view buddhism in a religious light but rather philosophical light and spiritual, non-religious light. Perhaps the challenge for you is to find something that enlightens your "soul" or spirit. It doesn't have to be religion. It can be a walk; painting; self-discovery; anything really. You need to seek out yourself, I think, and be actively promoting the wonderfulness that is you. ;)

Namaste, my friend.