"I'm trying to tell you something 'bout my life, maybe give me insight between black and white"  ~ Indigo Girls

I had an interesting discussion with a friend yesterday about life and depression and spirituality.  If you know anything about me, you know that I don't typically discuss religion or spirituality but I think I was open to hearing what hy had to say about it because hy broached the topic from a different angle. 

We didn't talk about organized religion, per se, or what one's beliefs are, and how they guide our actions.  What hy did tell me was about hys own life and how, in the lowest point, hy realized there was something bigger than hym, pushing hym towards a better life.  I'm paraphrasing, of course, but the gist of it was a belief in a higher power, and the idea that you could put your faith in something you cannot see, and trust it to guide you. 

You have to know I have a very hard time believing in something like this, not because you are essentially placing your life in someone else's hands but it removes all accountability and responsibility one should feel towards themselves, and ensuring that they get themselves back on the right track.  If I wait around for some external force to shape my life in to what I want it to be, what happens when that doesn't occur?  Have I allowed myself to become more off track, and not guaranteeing any happiness. 

While I don't know if it is different battling an addiction, I haven't always seen depression as something I can battle once and overcome; its ongoing and will forever be in the back of my mind and sometimes in the forefront.  I think part of hys reasoning on why this would work for me is that obviously I have had control over my life for the last 35 years and look where it's gotten me.  Not that most people would consider my life horrible but I am unhappy living in it, and I have been the only one that can change that, and thus far, it hasn't happened to my satisfaction.  What would be the worst thing that could happen if I allowed myself to believe in a higher power? 

We talked at length about the world around us and what people may or may not believe is the cause.  I firmly believe everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and I recognize they aren't all the same and at times those beliefs will clash.  I do not endorse any beliefs that lie in the extremes as they typically denounce sects of people and I'm sure whatever higher power you believe in, that wasn't the idea.  Of course we talked about therapy and medications, both of which I've done and may return to again. 

One thing that struck me is the idea of 2 black and white forces inside my head as it is there, this mix of positive and negative schools of thought, one winning out over the other at any given moment because that DOES happen to me, minute by minute.  I do allow the negative thoughts to take over my mind and guide my feelings and actions.  I guess I never learned how to turn them off or turn them in to something positive.  Do I want a way to do that?  Sure but I don't know that believing in a higher power is going to do that.  Much more to think about here...