It's been a rough week, my depression is kicking my ass.  People who have not gone through it have no concept of how debilitating it can be on someone.  I just don't think people understand how it makes you feel.  While I feel it is always inside of me, there are times like this week, where it becomes crippling and stifling. 

I have no motivation and it takes everything I have just to get out of bed in the morning, and I hate my job so I don't have any desire to go in to work.  I've fought the urge all week to just quit because I'm not happy there and that's not helping right now. 

At times I have been so angry I could punch something and then I will be in tears moments later.  I've seen these mood swings before, I've felt that pressure weighing on my heart, I know the signs.  Last year did a number on me, and jump started my depression again (not that it was in "remission" before I went down there).  I still don't have health insurance so I would have to pay out of pocket for therapy, which I seriously considered this week.  I won't see anti-depressants in my future (not that I'm sure I want them) unless I go to counseling first. 

I'm a freakin' wreck; I've barely been able to keep it together at work, and at times I almost haven't.  I saw flashes of myself today that reminded me why my ex was probably more than happy to see me go.  (might write more on him later)  I can be so moody and I can't control it.  I've stayed by myself all week for the most part, not that it's hard to do. 

It has been hard not to go to my favorite site and I do look at it, just not post.  I just feel so alone sometimes and sometimes going to that site doesn't make me feel better.  Overall I see it as my "happy place" so I really didn't want to bring any of my negativity in there.  The down side of that is, of course, in order for me to be there, I feel like I always have to be "on" and happy, and with me that's just not possible.  So many of them knew each other before and refer to each other as sister or brother, and I don't have that bond with them.  When I did post something that came close to indicating how I felt, several of them were sweet and said they were there for me but the reality is no one ever comes through.  I looked around and there was no one to be found.  And this is why I don't have any friends.  Everyone is so caught up in their own lives they don't have energy for me, and I am definitely high maintenance. 

It's not that I don't think I could give in a friendship; I have always been loyal, a good listener, a friend you can count on.  Right now I'm not sure I can be those things to anyone; I can't even be those things for myself.  I feel invisble alot, and replaceable, and that's not a good feeling for someone like me, who wants everyone to like them, and wants desperately to feel special and important to someone.  I realize these are my issues but I have not figured out how to deal with them. 

I just don't know what I'm going to do - I'm drowning here, really struggling, and I don't know how to break free of this grip it has on me.  I've been thinking I need to go to an OBGYN here as well because the fact is not lost on me that it gets worse when I have PMS.  I didn't exactly have the best luck with it when I went in FL, and I already know I probably can't go on the pill to even my mood swings out so I'm not sure what else they can do for me.  I wonder about PMDD and if there are drugs that help that, and if that is something they could determine was happening with me.  I'm gonna have to wait for some type of health insurance because alot of doctors appointments are going to start adding up quick. 

A thought crosssed my mind this week, as I know suicide has never been a viable option for me, what about cutting.  I've known several people who used to, and I can remember them telling me about how it made them feel - all of the emotions they were feeling would almost quiet down, and there are times that I want that so much.  I would give anything to have my emotions under control, not feel like flying off the handle one minute and sobbing the next.  I'm finding it difficult to concentrate on anything.  I mis-read people's posts and respond with my (usual) tartness, and they aren't used to that; another reason I should stay off the site.  It only makes me feel better temporarily and sometimes makes me feel worse.  They don't know me and I'm not sure I want them to....