(posted in blog on ButchFemmeDance)

Typically I post journal entries on my web-site but thought I would try one here. I'v been discussing age differences with several people lately. It even occurred to me that most of the relationships I have had were with older women (unbeknownst to myself?? ).

When I first started dating women, several of them were 12-14 years older than me, which is interesting to note, as I would not have ever considered dating men that much older but somehow it seemed different and possibly ok.

I will admit that occasionally you could see what I call the "generation gap" in play - they would refer to something in the past that I had no recollection of knowledge of, which was more often the case than me being familiar with something that they knew nothing about.

I have to argue that some of that seems like it is just the person. I led a relatively sheltered life growing up and my parents weren't older when they had us so I was not exposed to things that many others my same age were like music (I do have a love for the Beatles thanks to them) or tv shows. I found I would either have things in common with these women or I wouldn't, and age had little to do with that. One woman I dated was not in to sports at all, and I played hockey at that time so we didn't always have things to talk about.

The thing I find interesting about it is how often older women are adamant that they will not date younger women, and then have some magical age to which they will not date below. While it may just be me, I don't think as a younger woman I have this magical age set in my mind that I won't go above.

I am not naive enough to think there are not, to say the least, subtle differences in ages and age ranges. I think where in life the age difference occurs plays a major part, too. When you are 30, you may not consider dating someone who is 20, but when you are 60, you would consider dating someone who is 50. Part of that has to do with life experiences and part of that has to do with where you are at in life - do you have similar goals? Do you want the same things right now, not 5 years from now, as one of you may not be willing to wait.

One of the unfortunate things that seems to happen in age-disportionate relationships is one person tends to take on a lead role, and I think that can be deterimental. I would be the first to tell you that someone who is older than me could very well be wiser, as they have had more time to accumulate knowledge and live through more experiences. But I don't think one should discredit what a younger person would bring to the relationship, or assume the older should always be the lead. What happened to partnerships? Shouldn't something be said for both of you bringing things in to the relationship to make it stronger?

I guess I learned the hard way in my last relationship that age does play a factor when at least one of you feels it does. Because I was younger, I was also perceived as naive and immature, things that I do not necessarily feel are accurate descriptions of myself. I am college educated, I've worked professionally for years and lived independently. I am willing to listen to others' ways of doing things, open to trying new things, and strong enough to take care of myself. But that doesn't mean I don't want someone to help me along the way, and why should that be seen as a weakness?

On the other hand, if I am open to new ways of doing things, shouldn't the other person be as well? Why should anyone be expected to defer to someone just because they are older (and presumably wiser)? I know you can't teach an old dog new tricks but I think both parties have to be open and communicate. None of this "my way or the highway" crap because it doesn't fly in a relationship unless the older person truly wants to be that dominant, and then I guess they better make sure they are paired with someone who is willing to be a sub (and I'm not talking about in the bedroom).

Ya know, it's funny, because one of the things I was talking about with the others is how much I am attracted to older butch women. I think there is just something about a woman who is sure of herself, confident in who she is and comfortable in her own skin to be that person. I like that they exude a masculine air while maintaining their soft side. And damn, I think they are hot as hell! (already thinking of an "ode to older women" post, possibly in Poetry). But it seems like so many of them have already made up their minds about those of us who are younger (I don't think I am but it's relative I guess) and made assumptions based purely on age and past experiences. Is this what wisdom gets you?