I feel like I don’t belong anywhere, like I don’t fit in.  It’s not that this is a new feeling for me but this season has certainly renewed those emotions.  Playing with the Storm has been frustrating over the years as we do not share the same values of how to run a team, why practice is important, commitment to the team, etc.  Certainly their response to the referee situation did nothing to assure me they have my back or would stand behind me in times where my behavior/ethics are in question.

I’ve tried hard to stay positive with the Board over the years, even when I felt like an outsider at our meetings.  They would often discuss players and teams of which I had no knowledge, and they weren’t always good about bringing me up to speed on it.  This year was the worst, though, as we seemed to be going uphill about all of the issues that were out there in the league rather than moving forward to start resolving them.  I often felt like they didn’t listen to my suggestions, and would leave meetings wondering why I had gone in the first place.

The referee situation was the last straw, and really showed me no one truly knew whom I was or what I was about.  The Board never stood behind my decision to ask for Amy’s review, even though we had reviewed other referees.  And Amy, who once called herself my friend, chose to believe I had a personal vendetta against her and I was being mean-spirited.  Why do “friends” think so little of me that they would not believe otherwise?  Friends should not throw other friends under a bus, nor should they do things behind their back, as was the case with Johnna and the Scorpions.

For years I’ve struggled with finding a good set of friends who would be around for the long haul and I still don’t feel like I’ve done that.  I felt out of place with my college friends, and things certainly didn’t get better when they all started getting married, buying houses, and having kids.  I never found any friends thru work, regardless of the job.  And hockey was always disappointing in that no one was really interested in making friends or spending time with me socially.

I just want to fit in somewhere, be with people or in a group where I feel like I truly belong.  A supportive environment where I can use my skills to help others and feel like they would stand beside me when times got rough.  I want friends to hang out with on the weekends and feel I was close enough to them that I could confide in them, discuss things, etc.