Desire
( 2008 )

In the dark hy comes
Whispers on skin
The senses tingling
Slowly hy slides inside
Penetrating my mind and
Awakening the passion within
Hy presses against me
Pulsating rhythms
My body is captive to this desire ~
Wanting, needing
I am aroused from hys touch
My breath jagged
There is no fighting it
This thundering inside my soul
Yearning, was it a dream?

I don't typically write "off the cuff", that is, I don't write something the first time and be done with it. Usually if I am going to write in here, I will write it in Word first and then copy/paste.

For the journal on my web-site, I will write directly in the blog but read it over several times before posting. I like to be able to see how things sound, change wording, etc. But I've got a random thought that's been on my mind today....

I want to create memories with someone. I was talking today with another BFD member and how you could see the love between her and her partner in their posts. And I guess that's what started me thinking, but it's more than that really.

I want to be able to look back 5 or 10 years from now and smile fondly about a time when we did this or that. I don't have memories, per se, right now. I have history and thinking about them usually makes me angry or sad. Yes, over time they lose that edge and seen in perspective, become memories of a sort, but I want lasting memories. I want to share special times with someone that will be around for a while, not just a few months or a year.

Not that I only want someone to have memories to look back on; I want to take the time to create those memories, too. I know being in a relationship isn't all about going somewhere and doing things but it is nice to have those moments to look back on fondly and reminisce.

Yep, so that's what I'm thinking about and looking for ~ a butch with whom I can create memories.... oh, and drive a golf cart (NOT  ).

It has been a very long time since I have given that title to a blog but it's finally time.  Tonight I registered thru USA Hockey so I could turn in a form for the summer league.  I've been debating it since the email came out to remind folks it was coming up.  Who am I kidding?  I've been debating it since I left hockey 4 years ago, but more so over the last year.  I've only got a little over a month to lose some weight so I can fit the equipment at least a little better and get in shape so I am not wheezing out there like crazy.  Here is what I posted on BFD in the Dear thread:

Dear Hockey Gods,

Please be kind to me. I have the desire but give me strength should my will falter.

Signed,
Hoping this is not a mistake

I thought that I was so lucky, I had met this wonderful person ~ sweet, funny, great personality, insightful, strong, caring ~ and hy had feelings for me on top of all that.  But if you were interested in someone and really cared about them, wouldn't you see it for what it was - an honest mistake - and be willing to give them a second chance?  I guess all that I thought hy felt for me was only in my mind, because I wanted hym to feel those things for me, but hy never really did.  It's so sad, really.  Maybe I will write more later...

"Who Knew"
Pink

You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right
I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Yeah yeah
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

I received an email from my ex this week that he had received the last check of monies I owed.  His closing remarks seemed rather final so I asked if it would be ok to chat once in a while and see how he was doing.  I did not expect the response I got, which was he did not think it was a good idea.  I was completely stunned, bewildered and hurt all at the same time. 

When we broke up in September, it was difficult as I remained down there until I was able to get things together and move back up in October.  I always felt like it hit me the hardest, and I believed I would not be able to get through it unless we had little to no contact once I was "home", which is what I requested.  He seemed a little hurt but respected my wishes.  I've definitely struggled at times and mourned the loss for a while, which I feel is normal. 

Six months have come and gone and I feel like I am at a place where we could at least be in each other's lives in some capacity.  After reading his response, I asked why he did not feel it was a good idea.  He feels now there are no ties, I can be free and heal.  He doesn't feel we will never speak, just not right now.  Still, after the week I have had, it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I don't know if he is doing this because he feels it is in my best interest or if he feels it would be too difficult to interact at this point.  I don't know why that would be the case unless he had feelings for me, and I do not believe that to be the case.  I am saddened by this and it feels like I am reliving a final goodbye all over again.

I have hesitated to even write this entry as I do not think it will accurately reflect my feelings.  Someone had come in to my life unexpectedly and we had spent a lot of time getting to know one another.  There had been a few bumps but I really felt like this past weekend we had turned the corner and were on the same page, both looking towards what the future may bring for us.  I made a mistake and now have lost this wonderful thing I felt we were creating together.

In our talks, hy must have shared things about hys friends, and I told others these comments, and eventually it got back to hys friends.  They were obviously hurt by hys comments and hy apologized and asked for their forgiveness.  I betrayed hys trust and hy will not accept my apology nor will hy forgive me; hy simply cannot ever trust me again.  I do not know what the comments were or whom they were made about, as hy will not tell me to protect hys friends.  I do not recall making comments about hys friends but I said I would accept responsibility for anything I have said to others about hym or hys friends.  I cannot think of an instance where hy spoke negatively of hys friends to me because the truth of the matter is, hy adores them, particularly hys brother and sister to the south.  So I don’t know what I could have relayed to others.  Certainly it would not have ever been something I did maliciously or with the intent to hurt others. 

I would NEVER do anything to hurt hym or those close to hym.  I had hoped by now that hy knew that about me and believed it.  If I said something in passing that was hurtful, I was not aware of it, but I would still take responsibility for it; I do not place the blame on others.  There is someone in hys life whose motives I question, as she has made it clear she has feelings for hym by becoming jealous over the slightest thing, in my case, it was my profile signature.  But hy and I had discussed it, as we did everything, because we both believe in open and honest communication.  Yes, I was frustrated by her actions and did voice that to my friends, but I feel I was within my right to do so.  I guess I am really disheartened that hy sees only this one mistake, and feels that is indicative of my future behavior and character.

The one thing I find odd in all of this is neither of my friends know anything about things hy has said about hys friends.  I only confided in 2 people that we were even talking at all, and I didn’t tell them much about hym much less hys friends.  If neither of them knew these comments, they could not pass them on to others to get back to hys friends.  This begs the question – did I really repeat things hy had said to me?  And if I did, who did I tell?  I’m not gonna lie, I think something here doesn’t add up, and I have to wonder who would benefit the most if the two of us weren’t “together” in some capacity.  Is there someone that would want to see me miserable (because I sure as hell am)?  What would be their motivation?  I guess if someone decided they didn’t like me and didn’t feel I was a good fit for hym, but I’d hate to think that a friend would do that and not support their friend’s choices.

"And I give it all away
Just to have
Somewhere to go to
Give it all away
To have someone
To come home to"

The lyrics from Linkin Park's My December echo through my mind.  Sometimes you just want a place to go where you can just be, a sanctuary away from the daily grind, and someone to come home to.  There are times when I am having a bad day that I just want to be left alone, come home to the peace and quiet and bury myself away.  I know when I am depressed that I am not very good company because I am irritable and moody, though I find that people can cheer me up but only if I am in the right frame of mind.  It's very frustrating having a roommate who is always here because I can never really have the alone down time that I need.  Other times, I wish I could come home to someone who would give me a hug if I needed it or take care of me, fix me dinner, whatever so I didn't have to think. 

I had a long day at work today, getting disheartening family news and then working through lunch and staying late to work on things.  I was hoping I would get an email or text from a special someone throughout the day to put a smile on my face but that didn't happen.  Normally we would talk on my way home and that usually puts me in a better mood but hy wasn't around then either.  Then I had to deal with botched up dinner prep plans and I didn't even feel like eating dinner tonight.  It would have been so nice to have someone wrap their arms around me and tell me everything would be fine, even if they wouldn't.  Maybe they would make me something to eat so I didn't have to make any decisions about it or do it myself.  Of course this isn't the only reason I want someone in my life but for today, I could have used a loving sanctuary.

I'm not always sure I believe in signs but lately it feels like there have been a few come my way.  I had an IM last week from someone I haven't talked to in a little while.  We had chatted for a bit in the beginning of the year and she was probably the first person I had a real interest in after my ex.  I didn't want to but she wore me down with her personality and humor.  Unfortunately, when I did feel comfortable in pursuing something, she decided she wanted to date one of her friends.  It hit a bad chord within me and I chose not to have her in my life at all.  Every once in a while she sends me an IM to check and see if she can say hi to me.  I don't remember what I have responded in the past though I'm guessing it was brief but this time I said it was ok for her to say hi.  Then I wasn't on much last week and we never touched base.  I got to thinking about it the other day, how she didn't have to keep trying, and who was I to decide I had so many friends that I wasn't going to accept her friendship, in whatever form it took.  I tried emailing her but it bounced back to me that the account was not active.  I was surprised so I tried sending an IM as well but haven't heard anything.  I don't have any other way of contacting her and it's my own damn fault since I was never receptive to her attempts previously.  But I took it as a sign that I need to let go of the past and move forward.  I'm terrible about holding on to negative feelings when I feel I have been wronged or caused to hurt.  I guess it was my attempt to change that by acknowledging her efforts and let her know I was ready to forget about what happened and move forward.

The other sign was a little more poignant for me.  I discovered my ex had removed himself as a friend on my MySpace page.  I have to admit that one hit me like a ton of bricks.  While we do not talk and that was my choice when I first moved back here, I didn't think he would remove himself from my life completely.  It really was the only link I had to him and how his life was going, as miniscule as it was.  I have been sending him checks to pay off what I owed him and he would usually respond with an email, letting me know he received them.  I mailed the last check this month and expected to hear from him but I have not nor has the check been deposited.  I'm really not sure how to handle that right now.  I know I had considered removing him from my page because we never did talk and it was just me hanging on to the past.  I guess it feels different when someone else makes the decision for you.  I did see it as a sign that it is time to let go of the past and move on.  Of course, that's always easier said than done.  There are still days where I wonder what happened to the love we once shared, maybe I always will, just like I think about how it affected him or if it did at all.  I wonder if he was hurt by my decision to not have any communication.  At the time I did what I felt was best for me and to allow me to heal, and I didn't think I could do that with him in my life.  Now, though, we have nothing between us but distant memories and that is a bitter pill to swallow.  I would have never thought it would go like this.  I do think about him and I care about him; I will always hold a place for him in my heart and wish the best for him.  I know it has been time to let go for a while and I feel like I have tried to do that but what I don't know is how you know you are ready to move forward.

I could never do justice to the beauty that is the butch femme dance.  I can only hope to capture the essence of it and try to wrap words around the emotions one experiences as they move across the floor.  There is something almost magical that happens when a butch and femme come together.  A sweet tenderness that is masked by hard lines, something soft and graceful that underlies a fierce heart.  I feel there are so many reasons why the butch-femme dynamic works, not the least of those is that they serve to complement one another in all aspects of their being.  And so, my dear butches and femmes, I offer you:

 The Dance

2008

They dance as one, moving in a rhythm all their own, aware eyes are upon them

Hy, confident with masculine energy, and she, beautiful in feminine radiance

A composition in contrast, united to create a harmony like none other

Apart they are strong and independent, basking in their uniqueness

Each powerful in their own individuality, determined yet giving

When they come together, blending of tenderness and rough edges

Passionate and intense as two, facing the world and its glaring judgment

They move in time, hy matches her step for step, as she feels it in her heart

They know this, the ebb and flow of the dance, hoping the music does not end.

Sure I could clean up, too, and would for special occasions, choosing to dress like my femme sisters and present myself as much like a woman as I could manage.  Having given up makeup years ago and being completely inept with hair styling, it was often a struggle to make myself feel like I was a female.  I found the less I felt like a woman, the less I felt beautiful.  Why would a butch want a tomboy when they could have a gorgeous femme?  I don’t think I realized then that so much of it has to do with attitude and how you carry yourself, and a lot less to do with clothing than I originally thought.  I used to balance out my tomboy side with a love for all things pink and being called a princess.

I think I have grown a lot in the last year, and one of the things that I have become more comfortable in is the idea of being a woman, and embracing more of my feminine side.  For a while I had the luxury of being able to afford to get my nails done and enjoyed how it made me feel to be pampered and how it made me feel pretty.  My ex would buy me clothes that accented the good things about my body and always made me feel sexy.  I cared more about my appearance and made an effort, even if I was only running to the store.  It’s not that I put a lot of stock in outward appearance but I think it goes a long way in shaping your internal perspective. 

Of course, I always dated butches, so I was the femme in the relationship by default (and choice).  There are times, though, even now that I see myself thinking along the lines of a more masculine perspective; I just don’t always get where the femmes are coming from.  But more often than not, I see things through femme eyes, whether I realize it or not.  I’m a firm believer that no one is all of one thing or another, and I recognize I am a mixture of all things feminine and masculine.  I like the idea of having a butch in my life to look out for me and treat me as if I am precious to them.  I am still independent in thought and action; just because I am femme does not mean I would be submissive to them.  When in a relationship, I do tend to take on some of the traditionally feminine roles, as that is where I am most comfortable, but I strongly believe it should be a partnership, where both need to be willing to participate in the relationship and share responsibilities.

Since I have come on to this site, I have bonded more with femmes than I ever have, even in real time.  I look upon the faces and see some similarities, more than I expected.  I used to avoid overly girlie conversations with others as if I would have nothing to contribute.  Now, I find I am discussing virtual tea parties and loving it!  I’ve found some wonderful femmes with whom I can share my thoughts and feelings, and I truly cherish the time I spend with them.  It has been nice to have women around me that understand what it means to be a lesbian and a woman.

She was driving along, trying to keep her cool while glaring out the window.  She couldn’t see a damn thing in all this snow and her windshield wipers were just not working fast enough.  Now she regretted leaving for the cabin after work because it was dark and there was a blizzard raging all around her.  But she told her friends she would come up Friday night and still had about an hour of driving left in the trip.  It wouldn’t be so bad if she could just see where she was going but the wind gusts swirled the snow around her.  Her car hit a patch of ice and suddenly began to spin.  She knew enough to steer in to the turns but it wasn’t enough to compensate for the force, and she found herself sitting in a ditch.  Slowly, she got out of the car to assess any damage and see about getting out of the ditch.

Hys truck was barreling along the freeway and hy wondered why anyone would be out on a night like this.  When hy came around the curve, hy noticed a car in the ditch and pulled off the side of the road.  Hy saw a dark cloaked person, appeared to be a woman, looking in the trunk.  When hy got out of the truck and approached her, hy noticed she was dressed rather inadequately for winter.  Hy asked if she needed some help and she took a step back before answering that it appeared she had a flat tire.  She looked at hym warily and hy realized she probably wasn’t comfortable in the situation, so hy asked again if she needed some help.  She said she wasn’t sure if she had a spare in the trunk and without a word hy checked inside only to find nothing.  She still stood some distance from hym but hy could see she had on dress pants and a dress coat, though it looked like she was at least wearing winter boots.  Hy told her if she wanted, hy would take her in to town, where someone could meet her.  She said she was more than an hour away from her destination and without thinking, hy offered to let her stay at hys cabin, and hy would see about fixing the flat in the morning.  She was freezing but reluctant to admit it much less stay with a complete stranger.  Hy assured her hy had references if she wanted to check and that hys cabin was certainly big enough for two people.

Hy grabbed her large suitcase out of the car and hauled it in to the truck while she climbed in the passenger side.  The roads were a mess and for the time being, she was relieved not to be driving in it.  Hys cabin was about 10 minutes from where they left her car, and when they pulled up, a Labrador ran out to greet hym.  Hy grabbed the suitcase and brought it inside, the dog following obediently behind.  She followed hym without saying a word and stood near the door once she came in.  Hy set down her things and turned to look at her, the first time that night hy had the chance.  She was average height, slightly curvy, and when she pulled down the hood of her coat, hy noticed she looked at hym with the most beautiful blue eyes.  Their gazes locked for a moment, then hy stepped over to help take her coat off.  A small smile curled around her lips when hy did and she thanked hym.  Hy just nodded and hung the coat on wooden hooks that had been placed on the wall.  She looked around, saw the craftsmanship of the woodworking, and inquired if hy had done it hymself.  Beaming with pride, hy said hy had worked on the cabin mainly on hys own with a little help along the way.  Once both were out of their coats and boots, hy asked her if she wanted anything.  She asked if it would be ok if she took a shower and changed in to some warmer clothes.  Hy carried her suitcase to the guest bedroom and pointed out the bathroom, placing towels in there for her. 

After her shower, she returned to the main part of the cabin and found hym in the kitchen.  She paused for a moment, admiring the build of this handsome woman, hair tinged with silver, cooking something on the stove.  Hy turned around when hy heard her, and she saw piercing emerald green eyes look over her intently.  She had put on sweatpants and a sweatshirt over a tee, then pulled her wet hair back in a ponytail.  She stepped in to the kitchen and saw hy had cooked some tomato soup and was making grilled cheese sandwiches.  She smiled softly and said it smelled good.  Hy gave a half smile and got out plates and bowls.  Hy was sure one of few words she thought to herself.  They went out to the living room where a fire was roaring and sat down on the couch to eat. 

A few hours passed while they ate and talked, and she found hym to be quite engaging and funny.  While they talked, hy stole glances at her, watching the light from the fire frame her pretty face and dance in her eyes.  They sat facing one another on the couch, and hys arm rested on the back of the couch.  When they would laugh together, hy found hys other arm would sometimes rest lightly on her leg, and her eyes would lock with hys again.  A shiver would run through her body whenever hys hand would brush against her and it seemed to be getting warmer in there.  As they chatted, she would touch hys arm, sometimes playful, other times tender.  After one such moment, hy looked at her, leaned over and kissed her gently.  She responded eagerly and hy cupped her face with hys hand and slowly slipped hys tongue inside.  Their tongues danced in each other’s mouth, lips touching in wet kisses that awakened their senses.  Hy paused for a moment and looked at her, unsure if hy should continue.  A slow, sexy smile spread across her face and she responded by kissing hym again.  Hy tugged at her sweatshirt and pulled it over her head before starting to kiss her neck.  She leaned back on a pillow and closed her eyes for a moment.  Hys lips found her mouth again and hys arm moved behind her, drawing her closer. 

Breathing in hys cologne, she tingled and unbuttoned hys shirt while they continued to kiss until hy was down to hys t-shirt.  Leaning over her, hy kissed her neck while bringing hys hand underneath her t-shirt, brushing over her bra.  She took in a quick breath and hy searched her eyes and face for a sign.  Without a word,  she brought the tee over her head in one swift motion and hys gaze drifted down.  Hys finger traced the lines of her bra and hy began to kiss her chest softly.  Hy reached behind and unhooked it, pulling the bra off and letting it fall to the floor before hy kissed and then licked her smooth white breasts.  Hy gently sucked on her nipple and played with it on hys tongue, caressing the other breast until hy made hys way across her chest to pleasure the other one.  She ran her hands through hys hair while she lie there enjoying hys sweet touch.  They passionately kissed, hys body pressing in to hers, hys hands all over her body, hys lips roaming over her neck and breasts.  Hy pulled her sweatpants off and brought hys hand inside her thigh, kissing her hard while slipping hys fingers under her panties and found her hot and wet.  She moaned when hys fingers slid over her lips and hy took in a sharp breath at the sound.  They continued to kiss while hy stroked her pussy, running hys fingers over her clit as her body responded, pushing against hys hand.  Hy stopped abruptly and tore her panties off before lying back and guiding her to straddle hys face while hys tongue flicked across her clit.  Hys arms were wrapped around her legs, hys hands placed firmly on her ass, holding her in place over hys mouth.  She grabbed her own breasts and moaned while hy sucked on her pussy, pushing hys tongue inside.  Her body shook gently and hy felt her begin to climax, so hy increased the pressure to her clit, steadily licking and sucking.  She was bucking now and hys strong arms held her in place while she cried out and hy licked her as she came on hys face.  Hy brought her back down off hym and kissed her before leading her to the bedroom. 

Hy laid her down on the bed and they began to kiss again.  She unbuckled hys belt and started to unbutton hys jeans.  Hy lightly stopped her and excused hymself for a minute.  When hy came back, hys jeans were gone and hy had strapped on a cock in their place.  Just as hy was reaching for the lube, she stopped hym and told hym to lie down on the bed.  Hy looked at her curiously but complied, arms folded behind hys head.  Her tongue ran along the length of the cock, all the while keeping her eyes on hys, delighted to see hym gasp quietly.  She licked the cock again and then lowered her mouth around it, slowly sliding down its shaft and then back up in a smooth motion.  Continuing to lick and suck, hys breathing got quicker as she moved up and down hys cock.  Hy rested one hand on her head as she swallowed the shaft, further and deeper each time, quickening the pace and hy groaned in pleasure.  The cock was slick now and she ran her hands along the length of it and kissed hym at the same time, pushing her tongue inside hys mouth.  Hy watched her return to hys cock, stroke and lick it, taking it in her mouth to suck and swallow hym, groaning while shoving it further down her throat until hy came hard. 

Hy pulled her up to hym and directed her to get on her knees with her ass in the air.  Hy kneeled behind her and began kissing her back and ass while reaching between her legs to stroke her clit.  Once she seemed aroused. hy pushed her legs apart and slowly eased hys cock inside her wet pussy.  They both paused for a moment to get used to the feeling and then hy pulled it back and pushed it in gently again.  She let out a little whimper and hy held her hips and started thrusting, sliding hys cock in and out, feeling the sensation start in the shaft and work its way up.  Hy reached underneath and grabbed her breast with one hand, squeezing and twisting her nipple while hy pounded her ass.  She leaned forward and moaned before pushing back against hys cock, matching stroke for stroke, their bodies coming together and then pulling apart as the pleasure built.  Hy groaned as hy thrust hys shaft, now covered in her cum, inside her tight pussy, feeling her body buck against hys.  Hy grabbed her hips and pulled her to hym, forcefully pumping hys cock harder and harder between her lips, which now were dripping with her juices.  Her body trembled as she came, moaning until hys last stroke when she cried out in ecstasy and hy grunted in pure satisfaction.  Hy stayed inside of her a little while longer, kissing and caressing her body as they both came down, then lie down next to her.  Hy smiled softly and wrapped hys arms around her, holding her until she drifted off to sleep.

It occurs to me now, of course, that I do see how I feel about each of them, if only in retrospect.  I think there is a fine line between friendship and other relationships.  You can share things about yourself in either situation, feel the common bonds of friendship develop as you learn more about one another, enjoy spending time together, in whatever capacity that may be, but the reality is, for me, there has been only one sign in the past that tells me I am interested in someone in more than just a friendly way.  There's this feeling I get inside - call it butterflies, my heart skipping a beat - whatever the name for it is, I have found in time that if it is present, it probably means something, and I should pay attention to my heart.

While I enjoyed both conversations and time spent immensely, truth be told, there was only one with whom it seemed more than usual anticipation or a smile spreading on my face (though those are good things, too, and necessary for any type of relationship).  At times, things were said and I felt my heart flutter in ways that have not occurred with the other person.  Perhaps I should have seen it then but I didn't notice it or didn't want to acknowledge it at the time.  Do I think things would have been different if I realized I did not have feelings for both of them?  No, I think things would have gone the same, but obviously I cannot answer for either of them.  Would they have chosen to do things differently?  Somehow I doubt that but I do not know that for a fact.

I don't think recognition of this has gained me any further insight in to what I am supposed to do about any of this.  Essentially there is no decision to be made as I cannot influence how others feel about me; I can only hope the feelings are returned and a foundation is built.  Do I think that it would be the best idea to tell this person how I feel?  No, I can't see how it would make the situation any better.  Unfortunately, it was brought up to me because others' have made assumptions about my feelings, so I was asked direct questions which I will never avoid.  I do wish perhaps the situation had been a little different because truthfully, I feel like I am really putting myself out there when I admit I am interested in someone and I'm not sure how they feel so that is not a comfortable position to be in.  I'm trying like hell to protect my heart and not doing a very good job of it.

Looking behind me, I see the aftermath, the carnage I have left behind once again.  When will I learn these lessons of the heart that cause me such pain?  Last week was a nightmare for me - mentally and emotionally draining from me the little life I had left.  What started out on such a high came crashing down as it always does, and I often feel powerless to stop it.

L and I had developed such a strong bond in a short time, it was like we couldn't get enough of each other.  As I've told hym before, we could talk about everything or nothing and still treasure it the same.  I have spent that amount of time with anyone in a long time and it felt good, even though I know my head questioned where my heart was going with this one.  I know myself well enough to know that the more time I spend with someone whom I feel a connection, the more attached I am going to get, and feelings always come in to play.  I am not one to reveal my feelings for others when I do not feel it is appropriate, and I NEVER feel it is the right thing to do when the two of you are friends.  Nothing upsets the balance more than when one person has feelings for the other.  Despite my better judgement, I did let some of my thoughts known but I did not feel hy said much other than to reiterate hys mantra about us just being friends, and it certainly wasn't something I wanted to discuss as I felt no good could come of it.

A little more than a week ago I received a PM from J out of the blue and wasn't really sure what to expect.  I guess going in without expectations helped in that I couldn't necessarily be disappointed.  I knew nothing of hym and did some checking around as I like to have as much info as I can, and not everything I heard was that positive but decided I wanted to form my own opinion.  We talked a bit online and then spent alot of time on the phone together.  I found hym to be sweet, funny, smart, caring, gentle, and open and honest.  I felt we quickly developed a strong connection and found I would look forward to hys phone calls or little emails hy would leave me to get in the morning.  Again, though, I have to ask where was my head in all of this?  If I feel a connection, I am going to get attached, and I already started having some feelings for hym, and I have to be honest, I did think hy felt the same way.

Around the same time, someone else I had talked to a bit offline had posted a cupid note for me, and it occurred to me that hy and I should talk, because although I cared about hym, I didn't have those types of feelings for hym, and I knew I needed to be honest about that.  While trying to get a hold of C, I ended up talking to the other two and feeling really bad about the whole thing, including what I thought I might be doing to the two of them.  I'm not one to lead people on and I definitely am not a player.  Thinking I could be either of those things does not make me feel very good about myself.  I would have never predicted that I would get to know 2 people and actually start having feelings for them.  I felt I needed to be honest with both about where my head and heart was at.  Truthfully I didn't want to stop spending time with both of them but knew it would be difficult to juggle the time and, more importantly, my emotions.  L was clear about hys feelings for me and the fact that hy would not share me, so I knew if I continued to talk to J, I was essentially choosing to not pursue things with hym.  It was hard having to look at things like that, feeling I must somehow choose where my heart would go when I had no idea where these conversations would lead.  But I wasn't willing to stop talking to J, at the risk of my relationship with L being changed forever.  Still, it was an awful night and set the tone for the rest of the week.  I did speak with C and while hy appreciated my openness, I could tell I had hurt hym, and that was the last thing I wanted to do.  My conversation with L wasn't much better and I knew we needed to take some time apart. 

At the time I felt things with J were ok; we continued talking here and there but it was less frequent, there were no emails waiting for me, and no responses to my emails either.  Of course, this sent up some warning signs to me because hy didn't seem as interested, and almost a little distracted.  I was beginning to wonder if maybe hy didn't feel the same way but we never found a time to actually talk.  *sigh*  Then hy had a family tragedy and all of hys attention was focused there, rightfully so.  When we did finally talk hy was exhausted and I was filled with unanswered questions.  The talk didn't go well and subsequent emails indicated hy felt we should go our own way.  To say I was disappointed was an understatement.  Hy wants to concentrate on hys family and I think that is what hy should do right now but I can't help but think maybe hy wasn't really that interested or I've pushed hym away, like I seem to do with so many others.  I really liked hym, I'm not afraid to admit that, and I am terribly sad that we won't be sharing the hours together like we had and getting to know one another. 

All I can do at this point is try and figure out what lessons I can learn from all of this, and I am always left with the same unanswered questions.  I crawled in to my hole because I don't know where else to go when I hurt; I don't know how else to protect myself and my heart.  I feel like I should spend alot less time on the site, because clearly I am not a good judge of how others feel nor can I read things all that well.  If I avoid getting to know anyone new, then I can't make the same mistakes, until a time at which I feel I can open up myself freely because honestly, I feel like I get burned more times than I don't.  I know a lot of people asked about me and wondered where I was, and all of that is sweet but I have to remember the virtual world is very different than reality, and I have difficulty discerning the differences and knowing who is sincere and who I can trust.  I think for now I need to have a balance between the amount of time I spend online and the rest of my life.  I'm trying to focus on me - scheduled some doctor appointments and have others in the works.  I need to write more to get it all out of my heart so it won't clutter my head.  I felt like I had negatively impacted peoples' lives last week and I am not proud of that fact.  I will be careful how I do things in the future as I do not want to look in the rearview mirror and feel like I can't hold my head up high.